Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St. Patrick's Day Slums

I have that feeling again. But frankly, I'm not surprised. I've felt it coming on for some time now, but I pushed it aside. What kept me going? Hope?

The inklings of foreshadowing tapped me on a regular basis, but Hope just took my hand and lead me away with a smile. "It'll be alright." Hope said. "Just wait. It'll be alright. Trust me."

Well I watched today. I stood there and watched. One, two, three. Four. With each hug; it didn't hurt, on the contrary, I felt utterly fine. His arms were the broom, and each time they enveloped her, the dirt of my emotions was swept out the door of my heart. Silently. Painlessly. Hope glanced at me with mild concern.

I looked slowly down. "That's okay." I sighed, releasing the last from my system. "I can see it now. I'd always assumed..." I shrugged, melancholy. Hope and I turned, that feeling filling me again, that feeling of getting over. That feeling of moving on. But it wasn't as consuming and painful as the first time. It was more of a peace: a peace that I was wrong once again, and that my efforts had been fruitless, in vain, all for naught, and any other classic phrase of the type.

It's time to quit thinking. It's time to quit wishing. It's time to start living, start being, and start letting Fate hold my hand and lead me away, not Hope. Though Hope, Hope is a grand companion, but both Hope and I are blind, and we focus too much on the fuzzy. We take note too much on the absent. We live too much for the dead.

"Goodbye my almost lover./ Goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you;/ can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless moment,/ my back is turned on you.
Should have known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do."
-Almost Lover, A Fine Frenzy

And I'm not bitter, I'm utterly content, as odd as it seems. I should have known; correction, I did know, all along. But sometimes it's much, much nicer to smile and pretend that I don't see. It's much, much nicer to be the ingenue for once. Once.

Today was not my time. And I pray I can prove Murphy's Law right.

I pray the time I don't think I've found the one, I find the one.

We'll see. Fate and I will see.

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