Getting over him (and I appologize now for this being the re-occuring theme of this blog. I promise that wasn't the innitial intention) set me out of my world.
When I "loved" him, I was still that small imature girl I'd been through Junior High and sophmore year. I thought I'd surpassed that, and was level with him. Equal, sophisticated, ready for love. But I hadn't; we weren't.
And now, having fallen out of that emotion for him, it's like I fell the rest of the way out of that cacoon of safety I'd been living in. I hadn't realized it was there, but there it was, sheltering me. Hindering me.
And now I've got both feet on this new ground, and I'll admit it's weird. I'll admit it's really quite strange being so open inside, walking like I'm someone completely new; but oddly, oddly, I'm okay.
I'm better even.
And I didn't believe that could even be possilbe.
I hate looking back on that story I penned over the past few months, I hate remembering him and how childish I'd really been. Because believe me, I was an utter child. No wonder he didn't see me that way... And though I can't delete that past, I'm learning from it. And this time 'round, I'm not scribbling the rest of the story before it starts. I'm taking it slow.
And it's more fun this way.
Where with him I got this thrill of excitement from the knowledge that he liked me, that we were going to actually work (when in all reality we weren't), with this new face, I get this thrill from the prospect that something's there. I'm not believing his smiles mean he's compeletly into me, I'm taking his smiles for the possibility that he might be. And the thrill isn't from the knowledge I'm in his heart, the thrill comes from having to chase and see what's really there.
And I gotta say, this chasing game of love is much better than the 'sit back and wait' game I'd been trying to play just weeks ago.
"I'm gunnin' down romance..."
-Gunning Down Romance; Savage Garden