Sunday, March 10, 2013

The Modern Romance

aka The Only Way Men Talk to Me

I'm not really sure if/how this will benefit anyone; it's just happened too many times for me to ignore it's a trend.

So I'm going to address it. Obscurely and vaguely via the interweb.


As I said, I have experienced this phenomena on several occasions, the most recent lending me to believe that either this is what courtship is now, the boys in my area all think the same, or I give a general vibe that I should be approached in this specific manner.

What manner is this, you ask?

Let me give you the outline for The Modern Romance aka The Only Way Men Talk to Me:

Step One: Meet me in person.

Here it is discovered better than any other time that my awkwardness is charming to a tolerable degree. Something about me must be deemed pleasant before moving on to

Step Two: Friending me on Facebook.

Facebook is Facebook. That's what it's there for, is matching my face with the "book" upon which it is splayed. There are varying ways to attempt this, and for the sake of making this post a little more exciting, I will give you an example of which conditions the friending has, to my experience, taken place under.

  1. Dude found me that very night.
  2. Dude commented on a shared event, I "liked" his comment to enable his finding me, which worked.
  3. Dude found me after I added a friend of his.
  4. Dude waited the three day decorum time slot then added me.

Granted, aside from one of the four, I'm not necessarily 100% as to how I was located, though these options are safe because, well, none of them knew my last name.

Bonus fun fact: in The Modern Romance aka The Only Way Men Talk to Me, your profile picture of you and Jason Mraz (who to any non-Mrazfan looks like just another guy) does not threaten them into avoiding you under the belief you already have a relationship.

Which is a little depressing to consider that people don't think I stand a chance with Jason Mraz. 15 years isn't that big a deal.

It's more my religious beliefs and his veganism that are problematic.

Step Three: Private message me.

There is different decorum for this as well, which, surprise surprise, I'm going to elaborate on; based on my experience: (please note the following steps are interpreted as coming from the man's mind)

  1. Give it some breathing room, we're just talking, it's cool.
  2. Have my number.
  3. Cascade dumpsters full of compliments upon her glorious visage.
  4. Ask generic question. See if she has plans.

Step Four: Give me your number.

Inadvertently, the next logical step is to extend our budding relationship beyond the confines of Facebook; mainly make it so upon contacting each other we are immediately notified as to when the other has responded, rather than being lenient on when we or the other check Facebook.

  1. We have built a foundation. Here's my number. (At this point I assume foundation will continue to be established via text.)
  2. Have my number. (The ball is now in my court entirely. Well played.)
  3. Is it too soon to text? You're a glorious person with an amazing laugh. (I'm kind of choking on the compliments, but they make me feel nice.)
  4. Wait almost a day to respond to her last message, whether intended or not. Just cut to the chase and give her your number. (I...I don't know how to start this conversation. Do I respond to your inbox message or just text you? Or both?)
Step Five: Ask me out.

The timing of the asking is varied, anywhere from about a week later to that very night in about ten minutes time.

And, naturally, this step ends in a variety of ways; maybe we hit it off really well but I'm just not interested romantically. Maybe I had a gut feeling to steer clear of a relationship with you, regardless how nice and cool you are. Maybe we went out a couple times and you stopped talking to me. Maybe I still haven't texted you so you haven't asked me out yet.

Step Six: Repeat.

Because yes, guys are interested in me, and I'm interested back. But either I change my mind or they change their mind and in the end we all end up single.

And that, my friends, is The Modern Romance.

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