Thursday, April 1, 2010

Heart of Glass

"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"
-Big Yellow Taxi, Counting Crows

"It's not having what you want. It's wanting what you've got."
-Soak Up the Sun, Sheryl Crow

"In a world where what we want is only what we want until it's ours."
-Calling All Angels, Train

What if what we want is only what we want once we don't want it anymore?

I don't know what it is with me. But this veil has been removed from my eyes. He's not the same person, but I almost like him all the more for it. I found him attractive before and now... Now I'd be content to stare at a picture bearing his face for hours, when before photos were shudder inducing.

But I've said it before and I'll say it again: If we were the only two people on the planet, I'd be with him. Because then there'd be no other girls for him to get distracted by. It would just be the two of us. And one-on-one he was always fine.

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world. Then it would be all good and Baby, I could be your girl. But I can't 'cuz we dont."
-Womanizer, Britney Spears

I think I tend to love unconditionally too much. And too soon. And I can't get past the thought that maybe no one after this moment will love me. So I keep hoping the boy who holds my heart at this moment will love me, so all this emotion and childish belief in fate can mean something. But, of course, it doesn't happen that way.

Listen to me! I sound like a thirty-year-old single woman who's lost her hope in humanity and ever finding that one special person.

Helllllooo! You're not even an "adult" yet!

Work today brought great insight to me, and I don't think my coworker even intended to do so. She was April Fools joking a boy through texts saying one of the missionaries she writes had sent her a ring and wants to marry her. She hasn't ever talked to this missionary other than letters and emails and such. She kept asking me for lines to feed her friend after his questions and arguements. One such argument was, "Look at how young you are! You can't get married now." She asked me what to say next.

"Say.. 'What if this is my one shot at love, and I say no?'"

As she happily turned away to type it I realized I, in a way, was speaking for myself. I'm so worried "the one" will slip away that I get myself caught up in having "the one" come right now. And, of course, when "the one" is merely destined to be a friend, I'm broken.

Call me vain, but I often feel that there are guys who totally dig me. Who are totally into me. I'm like their Sun. But that all ends rather shortly. One day I see in their eyes the crave for my attention, and the next... Kuputs. And I can't help but ask myself, "What am I missing to keep them around? Why do they always change their minds?" And even worse, "Why can't I ever be them, seamlessly falling in and out of love, no jagged corners, no rough and sudden drops...?"

I just remembered something I wrote the other day. Let me type it:
(Writen March 18. Origionally.)

Things aren't set in stone.

What's your purpose? What's your motive? Why am I what always is left behind?

Is it a right of passage? Am I just another rung on the ladder, and to get where you're going you can't skip me? Do I have to be used?

I'm certain I can't keep being drained this way. I was full, once. He took most that away. And now you? I'm feeling empty again.

Perhaps next time there'll be nothing left to take.

Perhaps next time I'll have nothing left to give.

And I tried oh so hard not to give to who wouldn't take.

But I guess that's just me being me again. I guess that's just me being over-optomistic.

Never again, I could vow, never again. But to what avail? What good did this pledge do me the last time around?

So I guess I shouldn't look anymore. I guess I shouldn't hope. And if you, or him, or any other man finally desides to chase me, finally desides that I'm a prize, well, that's when I'll be content.

That's when I'll have to be content.

Because apparently this isn't up to me, and apparently I have absolutely no say.

As of now I'm done, and should you change your mind, great, but don't be surprised if I don't seem the same.

By the time we're on speaking terms again I will have beat myself up and struggled with my heart too much to be the same.

I'm sorry I'm wrecking this for us.

I'm sorry you're too blind to see it happen.

And I'm sorry I'm not what's wanted.

Daddy once said, "Someday some boy will think you're the prettiest thing." Or something like that.

I wish I could get in my head that "someday" isn't today. Or tomorrow.

And by the looks of things, not next week.

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